Hot and Cold Sex
 After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health.  Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?
'In fact, I do.' said the old man.  "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine.  Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me
?’
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem.  He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time.  Do you have any idea about why?
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is in December!" .

Modern communications
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
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Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
 
 
Marriage Humour
Wife:    'What are you doing?'  
Husband:     Nothing.
Wife:    'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'  
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Wife :   'Do you want dinner?'  
Husband:  'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife:     'Yes or no.'      
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Stress Reliever
Girl:  'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'  
Boy:  'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'  
Girl:  'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son:  'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady..'  
Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'  
Son:  'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
______________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'  
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'  
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'  
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'  
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Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
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Driver's licence
A friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn.
He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair. “My goodness” he exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!” “
Yes” he replied, ” I am old enough that I don’’t need a licence.”   “The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving licence. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the licence into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket.” “”You won’’t be needing this anymore”, he said.  So I thanked him and left.”
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