A 10 spot of humour
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...
How
to beat the Flu
Miss Beatrice,
The
church organist,
Was
in her eighties
And
had never been married.
She
was admired for her sweetness
And
kindness.
One
afternoon, the pastor
Came
to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She
invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As
he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the
young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top
of it.
The
bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things,
a condom!
When
she returned with
tea and scones,
they
began to chat.
The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss
Beatrice', he said, 'I
wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing
to the bowl.
'Oh,
yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I
was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground.
The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter'
.
And
then the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My
wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
.
How
Dinosaurs became extinct
(The
very first "senior moment".....?)
Temporary
Doctor
'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the
clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of
all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and
returns the following day and asks:
So, Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Tylenol 3.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did
sir' says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'
Asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous
woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she
tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her
panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen
any man!''
'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes of course.'
.
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to
Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the
sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned
around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo,
can you see Florida ?????
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act
together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get
to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her
knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A
highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the
sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you
hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL
BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting
her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and
one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming
dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're
watch dogs'!
.
A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney was questioning Angus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked
the attorney.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to
the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' Now what the F*** would you say?'
.
While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then God made the earth round.
Ma
was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You
need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to
fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To
which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
.
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
.
Confused!
I became very confused when I heard the
word "service" used with these:
Tax Office 'Service'
Canadian Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
City, Province & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Public Transport 'Service'
This
is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said
he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those people are doing to
us.
.
