A 10 spot of humour
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...
A man & woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight .. Under the table!
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, Ma'am, but I think your Husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said ..
"No, he didn't .. He JUST walked in the door."
.
Damn women drivers!
This
morning on the Interstate, I looked over
Woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds...
to continue shaving
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still
working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver
Which knocked
The donut Out of my other hand.
In all the
confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against The
steering wheel,
It knocked
My Cell Phone
Away
from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs!
Splashed,
And burned
Big Peter and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!
.
No wonder the Americans have financial problems; guess they thought they
would never run out of money!!!
When NASA first planned to send up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $1.2 billion
to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
on almost any surface including glass, and at temperatures ranging from
below freezing to +300 C.
Confronted with the same problem, the Canadians used a pencil.
.
MURDER
AT SAFEWAY
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the
husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was
willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand
until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being
paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying
the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes,
& reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the
dirty deed.
A few days later,
Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway Supermarket store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave
any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the
produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he
could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to
hate me for this...)
ARTIE CHOKES 2 for
$1.00 @ SAFEWAY
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff.
.
A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the heck would you say?'
.
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all
their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this
cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I
can't even see my coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said
a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old
man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - -
"thank God we can all still drive.".
My colleague & I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard 1of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." . . . . She also votes!
My friend has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . . . . . . My friend also votes!
My friends & I were on a beer run & noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% & gave us a 20% discount. . . . He also votes!
.
Why are men always asking for the impossible??????????????
A man on his Harley was riding along a
California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a
booming voice, God said, "because you have tried to be faithful to me
in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that
could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she
feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps
and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly
happy."
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
.
I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." . . . . . . He also votes!.
Ask
for the impossible.
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
"because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a
bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is
materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and
the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand
women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I
can make a woman truly happy."
God replied: "You want two lanes or four
on that bridge?"
.
