A 10 spot of humour
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A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the Authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any
agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.............................
'YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD
Scottish
Logic
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
Mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough'.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other
any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her'.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who
explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this'.
She calls Scotland immediately, and
screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'
Older woman
I
ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked
pretty good for a
60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and
I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she
asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she
said.
'Oh.' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,
'No, I haven't.
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might
look like.
We drank a bit more, and then she says with a wink
that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted
upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake?'
There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation:
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building
program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets,"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because
attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy efficient
vehicle.
Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the
kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in
front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a
long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre
of
attention.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce
10 commandments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the
world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,
Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good Lord, it's morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss
my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket,
I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I
know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What
do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
"The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible
mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for "'Basic Information Before
Leaving Earth.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about.
Her daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."
Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea.
Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said
"Be not afraid, the comforter is coming."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in
another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments."
A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved
The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers
Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
'Ah, England !' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.
'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the landlord.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really
watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
A man is cupping one hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
The Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon waater! It's foo ae coo's shite an' pish!!!
The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm English. Could you repeat that in English for me?
The game keeper replies,
I said, use two hands - you get more in that way!
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"Umm I don't remember."
HOW
TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND
DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian,
Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that
he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from
the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock
his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,'
hung up, counted to 30, and phoned
the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing
things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because
I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance
showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
Don't mess with old people!!
A nice calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription
